Definition of Domestic Violence

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What is Domestic Violence?

If you have experienced violence and abuse from your ex partner you are not alone:

At least 23% of women in Australia have experienced domestic or family violence, and as the latest Australian Bureau of statistics figures point out, this accounts for around 2.2 million women.

Survivors of violence and abuse begin recovery when they are in a safe and secure setting, their rights to safety are recognised and there is an absence of danger.

It is widely recognised that women experience domestic violence at far greater rates than men do, and women and children often live in fear as a result of the abuse that is used by men to maintain control over their partners.

Domestic and family violence occurs in all sections of our community and across all cultures. Being abused is NOT a normal part of domestic and/or family life.

Domestic violence is often not recognized by others, particularly if it is the more subtle psychological and emotional abuse. A Woman herself may not recognize that what is happening is domestic violence.

Domestic and family violence occurs when someone in an intimate or familial relationship attempts to gain and/or maintain power and control over another through a wide range of abusive behaviors:

A single act may amount to abuse. A number of acts that form part of a pattern of behaviours may amount to abuse, even though some or all of those acts, when viewed in isolation, may appear to be minor or trivial.

Domestic violence and emotional abuse are behaviors used by one person in a relationship to control the other. Partners may be married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated or dating.

Abuse can be difficult to identify, because an abusive person doesn't always act this way. Sometimes they may be loving and kind. But if you often feel afraid of upsetting your partner, and change what you do to avoid their anger, then this is a sign that you are being abused.

All forms of abuse - psychological, economic, emotional and physical - come from the abuser’s desire for power and control.

This list can help you to recognise if you, or someone you know, are in an abusive relationship.

Psychological Abuse:

• Behavior and/or comments to undermine your sense of self

• name-calling or putdowns,

• intimidation,

• sulking; threatening to withhold money, disconnect the telephone, take the car away,
• lying to your friends and family about you; telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.

• commit suicide, take the children away, report you to welfare agencies unless you comply with his demands regarding bringing up the children;

Verbal Abuse

• constant put-downs,

• name calling,

• making harassing or threatening phone calls.

• Says things to scare you (e.g., told you something "bad" would happen; threatened to commit suicide).

• Used the children to threaten you (e.g., told you that you would lose custody; said he would leave town with the children).

Physical Abuse

• Actual or threatened physical harm e.g. Injured you by causing bruises, cuts, broken bones, punching, pushing, choking, being threatened or injured with objects/weapons.

• Making threats to hurt you and/or your children,

• denial of sleep, warmth or nutrition;

• denial of needed medical care,

• Driving recklessly while you and/or your children were in the car etc.

Social Abuse

• Controlling where you go, who you see, what you wear.

• Keeping you from contacting family or friends.

• Preventing someone from leaving the house.

• Preventing someone from going to a place of worship or praying

• Making all the ‘big’ decisions,

• checks up on you (e.g., listened to your phone calls, checked the mileage on the car, called you repeatedly at work).

• Refused to do housework or child care,

• making you feel guilty about going to work or socialising,

• constantly checking up on your whereabouts etc

Sexual Abuse

• any forced or unwanted sexual contact/activity,

• Pressured you to have sex when you didn't want to (will not take no for an answer),

• forcing you to have sex or to do sexual acts you do not want or like,

• raping you.

Forcing you to have sex is a criminal offence, even if you are married. 

Financial Abuse

• When your partner takes control of your financial affairs when you don't want him to, or

• prevents you from having access to money.

• Stopping a partner from getting or keeping a job,

• refusing to give someone enough money to live on.

Property Damage

• kicking a hole in the wall,

• scratching your car,

• taking away or breaking things that are important to the abused person,

• Abusing a family pet.

Stalking

Stalking is behaviour intended to harass, intimidate and torment another person. Stalking includes a range of behaviours such as:

• Repeated phone calls

• Sending letters, faxes or e-mails

• Loitering near a Woman’s residence or place of work

• Spying on or openly watching a Woman

• Following a Woman

• Harming pets

• Organizing unwanted home deliveries

• Sending flowers or chocolates

• Damaging property

• Moving belongings around

• Changing details on personal identification.

The Cycle of Domestic Violence

The cycle of violence is a cyclic pattern that is common to many men who are abusive in their relationships, and has definite stages that are easily recognizable. When the man identifies these stages, it is often the beginning of the stages by which the man starts to understand his abusive behaviour and violent behaviour and begins to take responsibility for his actions. Recognition of this cycle by the Woman can also be the time that she begins to understand that his behaviour follows a definite cycle that is not and cannot be influenced by anything she may do.

Each of the stages has unpredictable lengths of time, with many variations in time and frequency.

Stage One : Build up

The man experiences a build up of tension, is preoccupied by his own view of the world, has an exaggerated sense of entitlement, avoids social and emotional circumstances, relies on others to meet his every need, blames others and circumstances, is full of righteous indignation with beliefs about how the world should, ought and must be, engages in self intoxicating thoughts and beliefs.

This stage escalates regardless of external circumstances, and is independent of his partner’s behaviour.

Stage Two :  Explosion

This is the most dangerous stage and can involve criminal assault, terrorizing, verbal abuse, serious threats and property damage. The man feels enraged and believes he is out of control; the episode can be brief or escalate over hours. Most men describe this stage as being out of his control; however, the violence is often in a context that has strong elements of choice and control. When the abusive and/or violent episode is closely examined the man is likely to recognize that it takes place usually within the home and has in fact been controlled, evidenced sometimes, by the parts of his partner’s body that he targets.

Stage Three : Regret and remorse

At this stage in the cycle the man experiences and expresses feelings of remorse, helplessness or guilt, whilst often at the same time blaming his partner or circumstances as he looks for why this happened and who is at fault, he generally accepts no responsibility for his own behaviour.

The man believes and tries to persuade his partner that the abuse will never happen again. He may blame his partner for his abusive behaviour. He will often make promises about change that are conditional on his partners change, and promises of change that are unlikely to be carried out. The man may attempt to seek forgiveness form his partner and to offer explanations, e.g. ‘I lost control and did not know what I was doing’ that demonstrate he is not accepting responsibility for his behaviour. He may attempt to show his sincerity and caring by buying gifts, taking the family on outings, being helpful in the house, or being more attentive.

The man has resolved nothing by his remorse. His language and behaviour seem so unrelated to his violent behaviour that it is confusing for his partner. She wants to believe that he has changed. The Woman may try to cover her distress and fear, accept his promises and forgive him in the hope that things will improve. Characteristically after a short time the man begins his own self-defeating thought processes and engages in tactics of abuse to maintain control moving back into build up stage and the escalation of his behaviour.

Things he may try to get you back

Some women leave their partner during the cycle of violence. It is possible to anticipate the way the man is likely to respond. Although the behaviours described may appear genuine, they are manipulative and intended to blame, obligate or frighten the Woman into doing what the man wants. This is a time of danger for women and also can be a time of confusion, as many women want to believe his promises of change.

The man may respond to his partner leaving him, in one of three distinct sets of behaviours. It is possible for the man to engage in all three forms, it is also possible during one conversation for him to move through each pursuit. The main objective of his pursuit is to have others do something to reduce his own sense of desperation immediately. His behaviour at this time is part of the pattern of violence and not a move out of his cycle of violence.

Buy Back

This is recognized by the man buying gifts, making promises, declarations of love, extensive apologies and attempts to show he is a ‘changed man’. He may make promises to attend counselling or do anything to add credibility to his claims of having changed.

Buy back relies on creating a sense of goodwill, guilt and hope in his partner.

Violence

The man may threaten his partner with harm or threats to kill her and/or her children. Constantly harassing, stalking, creating problems with family and friends, trash her belongings, create difficulties in regards to Family Court proceedings etc.

Helplessness

The man behaves in ways that indicate to his partner that he is unable to manage without her, will let her know he is unable to eat, sleep, go to work, may be will have an illness and make explicit or implicit threats of suicide.

Helplessness relies on the Woman feeling obligated for his well-being, and guilt for his hurt.

(This is adapted by Dallas Colley from the DVAG Workshop Manual, 1992)

Impact of Domestic Violence On Women

When a Woman is constantly abused and put down she may start to think of herself as worthless. Many women feel powerless. Many women stay in abusive relationships because they are too afraid to leave. If a Woman does decide to separate, it is not unusual for her to return to her abusive partner, particularly when appropriate support and assistance is not available.

Domestic violence can have long-term effects on a Woman. There may be emotional problems such as difficulty in trusting others. She may also suffer long-term effects on her health from physical injuries.

Not all the long-term effects are negative. Often a Woman dealing with domestic violence has developed incredible strengths in order to survive. To come out and move in to a new life living through years of violence is usually an extremely positive experience.

How women may be feeling?

All forms of abuse have damaging consequences.

Some of the ways that you may have been feeling include:

• Feeling worthless and lacking self confidence,

• Ashamed and afraid of letting others know about the abuse

• Feel that you are to blame for the abuse

• Hopeless and sad because you have tried everything

• Depressed and lonely

• Afraid of what he might do if you leave or seek help

• Afraid that no-one will believe you

• Scared of coping on our own

• Confused

Remember, you're not to blame for the abuse. You have a right to feel safe and to live a life free from intimidation. See website links

Where to go for help

If you are in immediate danger or if you have been physically or sexually assaulted, threatened or stalked you can call the police on 000.

If you need to stay somewhere safe contact the Domestic Violence Crisis Service, See emergency contacts  to find out about women’s refuges.

If you need legal protection from further violence you can apply for a protection order .

Who can I talk to?

Family and friends can be supportive but sometimes they don’t understand the seriousness of abuse. It is often helpful to seek counselling. If you have any concerns about being abused contact your local Domestic Violence Service link to state resources page or a community health service/women’s community health who may be able to provide support and counselling.

What is a Women’s Refuge/Shelter?

A Women’s Refuge/Shelter is like a big family home or cluster of units. A refuge offers support, information and safe accommodation for women, with or without children.

Who can go to a Women’s Refuge/Shelter?

Any single women or Woman and her children who are being abused by their partner and/or family members.

This abuse can be:

• Continual insults or threats, hitting, slapping, punching, pushing, breaking bones or shoving.

• Threats to children or pets.

• Threats of or actual destruction of property.

• Forced or unwanted sex.

• Denying you friends or outings.

• Not giving you enough money, forcing you to give up your money, or having to account for every cent you spend.

• Making you afraid at home.

What do Refuges/Shelters offer?

During your stay at a Women’s Refuge/Shelter, from a couple of days up to a few months, you should be assured of these services:

• A safe, secure place to stay

• Confidentiality

• Refuge staff are available to provide information, give support, act as advocated and offer referrals

• Help to get to the Refuge if you need it

• Arrangements for your belongings to be picked up

• Linen, bedding, cooking and washing facilities

• Information and help in getting legal advice, housing, access to an income, moving and storing furniture, access to Commonwealth and State entitlements (e.g. Centrelink), and community resources.

Refuges/Shelter workers attend to the current crisis facing the Woman and her children. They also work in a preventative way to reduce, or eliminate, the risk of future crises.

 From Women’s Refuge group WA http://www.space.net.au/~wrgofwa/